pocketseizure: (Terra Branford)
I'm working with Lightsintheskye on a series of illustrations for my Zelda/Ganondorf fic The Legend of the Princess. She did the cover illustration a while ago, and yesterday afternoon I posted her illustration for the first story arc.

Despite the incredible quality of her art, the post only got 11 notes.



I was really surprised! I know that this piece will get the attention it deserves when the artist reblogs it later during the peak time for her blog, but I still can't help but wonder why so few people who follow me on Tumblr or track the fandom tags were willing to offer their support for a collaboration like this. (The people who did like or reblog the post are lovely and wonderful and have my eternal gratitude, of course.)

I think this is what it what it means to "create for yourself" - you need to have faith that what you're doing has worth and value, even if it's not something that's immediately recognized by the larger community. Despite the doubts I have regarding my own writing, the artist's talent is readily apparent. Like, what she does is really good, and I'm so lucky to be able to work with her on this project. Even if it's difficult for me to have faith in myself, I can believe in the quality of the artist's work. Along with the artist, I'm creating something interesting and unique and meaningful, and I'm gonna keep going, no matter what...

...if only because the actual process is so much fun. I mean listen, as much as it sucks to get so little positive feedback on Tumblr, I'm not going to complain about how cool it is to get to play around with concept and design sketches like this one of Zelda in fancy princess clothing.

Read more... )
pocketseizure: (Teh Bowz)
Ganon: I am pure power and rage incarnate! My fury is enormous, and so is my body!
Zelda: I am sixteen and innocent, and I will endure my captivity bravely.
Ganon: I come from a matriarchal culture and would never rape you, but I will touch you all I want.
Zelda: I don't know why I'm so aroused, what is going on, did I mention I'm only fifteen?
Ganon: I will now proceed to turn into a literal animal with a dick longer and thicker than your arm.
Zelda: I don't understand how that's physically possible, but I love you and my vagina is ready!!
Ganon: I am actually a sweet and sensitive person and not a monster at all. Surprise!
Zelda: As a fourteen-year-old woman, all I have ever wanted is to have your babies.

. . . . .

This seems like it would be a very specific fantasy, but... My fault for going on FFN, I guess.

I'm not here to judge people's sexytimes (although that is totally why I'm here), but I'm considering getting back into Ganlink, a true and pure pairing that I adored back in 2010, so much so that a dear friend created this delightful illustration for me...

Read more... )
pocketseizure: (Default)
Although I probably won't get around to it until May, I'm looking forward to the series of Peach/Bowser flashfic stories I'm planning on writing.

I think it would be interesting if Bowser were totally conventional, meaning that he wants romance and marriage and kids. He knows that Peach doesn't respond to his relationship ideals or his usual brutish way of getting things done, so he's at a loss for how to communicate his affection. Over time, what started out as his innocent confusion and mild frustration has transformed into real bitterness and anger.

Meanwhile, Peach is a psychological mess from having lived her entire life according to a harshly enforced set of double standards. Bowser is the only person who sees how stressful this is for her, but he doesn't seem to understand the larger implications that her precarious position has on their relationship, which she finds infuriating. She doesn't want to compromise what she's worked to build, and she hates how easy everything seems for him from her perspective.

In this set of stories, Peach will have had a fling with Mario, and Junior is most definitely her child. I can't think of any other circumstances that will cause her and Bowser pain at the moment, but I'm sure something will come to me.

I'm still considering the "different species" thing, and
pocketseizure: (Needs More Zelda)
Yesterday I posted the first chapter of my new Zelgan story, The Marriage of Lanayru. I've got most of the plot in my head, and I'm getting new ideas all the time. I'm not sure how this "short chapter" format is going to pan out, but I'm very excited!

I'm already thinking about finding an illustrator, so I sent out a message to an artist named Kathryn Layno (@denimcatfish on Tumblr) whose work is beyond phenomenal. Even if she doesn't get back to me or isn't interested in the project, I still fully intend to back her on her Patreon, because she does good work and deserves support.

As I watch both my writing and my art improve in tiny increments, what I'd like to do is to begin to draw more fan art of other people's stories and maybe work with artists on art/story mashups (wherein I write something for one of their drawings).

This year is just getting started, and it's important to remember that things take time. Although I still feel disheartened by the lack of a fandom community, I'm going to enjoy myself, allow my work progress naturally, and hopefully find and strengthen a few friendships along the way.
pocketseizure: (Ganondorf)
I said I would stop writing fic for a while, but I lied. Now that I have the formula for romance, it would be a shame not to put it to use.

I've started writing a new Zelda/Ganondorf fic based on Twilight Princess. At the end of the game, instead of having Link kill Ganondorf, Zelda decides to marry him. Hyrule is falling apart because the Triforce has been broken for so long, and Zelda's political position is unstable. She sees an opportunity, and she takes it. Ganondorf still wants to burn Hyrule to the ground, but he returned to the kingdom to find it already mostly in ruins. He needs time to reassess the situation and regroup his forces, so he accepts Zelda's offer.

I'm calling the story "The Marriage of Lanayru," and each chapter is going to be very short, about 1,000 to 1,200 words. Each of the twenty steps in the romance formula will be seen from both Zelda and Ganondorf's point of view, so there will be a total of forty chapters with alternating narrative perspectives. It's been helping me to envision this project as something like a webcomic, with each chapter being a page and each paragraph being a panel. If I put about fifteen minutes into this story every night, I think I can put out one "page" every week. This isn't a huge investment of my time or emotional energy, and the fandom is very quiet right now, so it's not like I have anything to lose by performing this experiment.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the theme of sexual menace. Maybe I can just skip it?
pocketseizure: (Celes Chere)
I just posted the last chapter of A Wise Decision (the Boar Ganon story), thus tying up (almost) all of the loose ends of my fanfic for this year.

According to the metrics tool on AO3, I posted almost 100,000 words of fic during 2016. For comparison, here is a screenshot of my statistics for 2015, followed by my statistics for 2016.

Read more... )

Even though my productivity has increased, and although I like to think that my skill level has increased as well, the numbers of hits and kudos I've received this year have decreased significantly from the numbers for last year.

These statistics are calculated according to the activity on the stories posted during a given calendar year, not according to overall activity. One might therefore argue that the stories I posted in 2015 have had an extra year to get hits and kudos. This is valid, but it also tends to be the nature of AO3 for stories not to get many hits or kudos after they're first posted (unless they've reached a certain threshold of popularity and/or are bookmarked by a lot of big name fans). Basically, then, what you see is what you get, and I just didn't do as well in 2016 as I did in 2015.

I'm pretty sure I deleted the post where I confessed the high level of my social anxiety on Tumblr (ETA: Nope, it's still here), but this is what I meant when I wrote that I haven't managed to build an audience for my work through effort and improvement; rather, I've lost whatever audience I had without managing to win over new readers. If I can be allowed to be self-indulgent for a moment, perhaps it's okay for me to say that this fills me with disappointment and despair. I'm not in a happy place right now.

I did my best, but I think it might be a good idea to take a break from writing fic for a while. What I'd like to do is not to stop writing fic altogether, but rather to cut way back on the time I spend on it and hold off on posting anything for a few months. What I'm going to do instead is to devote my efforts to the Wind Waker project; I'm going to get serious about publishing parts of it outside of fandom as I work on the larger book manuscript.

Just like any other human being, I need encouragement, support, and validation, and the reason I write is to add a different perspective to an ongoing conversation. Although I'm not giving up on fandom, it just doesn't seem like the best place to find a community and achieve my goals at the moment. It's going to be extremely difficult to watch the fandom move on without me and perhaps even experience a resurgence in activity when I leave, but I need to focus on my professional development and gradually ease myself back into a healthy headspace where my sense of self-worth isn't dependent on how many hits and kudos I get on AO3 or how many notes I get on Tumblr.
pocketseizure: (Gator Strut)
I'm writing another "gay dads otp" fic. I didn't mean to, but I was working on something else and my hand slipped.

This story is a Contemporary AU set in the Spirit Tracks universe, and it's about Ganondorf and Daphnes raising Tetra. I'm having trouble getting a handle on how the dynamic works, but I still have to almost physically force myself to do my actual work instead of writing the story. I'm super gross about it too; I'm literally sweating and chewing my bottom lip and being like, Just 200 words and then you have to stop.

I sincerely wish that this wasn't what the universe gave me in terms of inspiration, but it looks like I've found a weird niche where I feel oddly comfortable. I've been suffering from a powerful urge to write more Yotsubato-themed Bowser and Ganondorf stories for the past several months, but I think that sort of crack crossover is only cute the first time around. And honestly, it's so OOC that I'm seriously tempted to file the serial numbers off the characters and start writing original fiction.
pocketseizure: (Needs More Zelda)
"You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

These are a set of repeated lines from the 2011 movie The Help, in which two black nannies serve as Magical Negros to an upper middle class white girl who later goes on to become the journalist that exposes the "secret" racism in the segregated South and "wins" the Civil Rights Movement.

I was taken to see The Help by my mother and aunt, who grew up in the Deep South during the 1950s and 1960s and enjoyed the movie's portrayal of their life experiences. As I walked out of the theater, I felt like a plastic container filled with undiluted rage. I couldn't speak, I couldn't write, and I couldn't interact with other human beings. I think "murder" is the word that best describes my state of mind. It wasn't just the ignorance of a Hollywood portrayal of race relations in the United States that bothered me, it was the enthusiastic mainstream embrace of that ignorance on the ten-year memorial of 9/11. I kept reading reviews and editorials in an attempt to validate my anger, and it seemed that any number of intelligent and well-intentioned people were going out of their way to celebrate the narrative of white heroism.

I'm currently writing what was meant to be a fluffy Zelda/Ganondorf shipfic loosely based on a Hayao Miyazaki version of "Beauty and the Beast" set in medieval Japan (link). I thought it would be cool if, as in the Miyazaki retelling, both "Beauty" and "Beast" had their own agendas, which briefly intersected and would then move in parallel directions, the idea being that the reader would be encouraged to acknowledge that there is no real practical difference between "Beauty" and "Beast." I set up literal magic power as the marker of "difference," a kind of female-gendered method of expression that is denied to Zelda in her patriarchal society and accessible to Ganondorf in his matriarchal society. Unfortunately, I've run into an unforeseen complication, which is that Ganondorf's magical "difference" is colliding with the reality of his ethnic "difference."

Basically, I don't want to write a Magical Negro who helps the white girl realize her full potential so that she can then go on to be a hero. Based on what I've written so far, I don't think the vast majority of people coming to the story without ulterior motives would read it that way, as the project mostly involves giving agency and interiority to two characters – damseled princess and monstrous villain – who are nothing more than archetypes in the universe of the games I'm writing about, Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages. Still, I'm picking up faint sonar echoes of the tropes that drove me crazy in The Help. I don't want to deconstruct these tropes; I want to not ever see them in any context, and I certainly don't want to reproduce them.

But it's hard, and I know that I'm probably going to fuck up.

Regardless, I'm going to finish the story, and I'm going to write through my self-doubt and the problematic-ness of it all. I need to figure out what works and what doesn't, and thinking about this in an abstract sense is not going to solve anything. If I can't learn to write about difference in Hyrule, then I'm going to be hopeless when it comes to writing about the real world.
pocketseizure: (Mog Toast)
This isn't a hard game to play. Your goal is to get so drunk that you...

• Outline a fic novel and refuse to feel guilty about knowing that you will never write it.
• Go to a fic you love and leave a comment saying exactly how much you love it.
• Announce on Tumblr that you will accept open prompts for fic drabbles.
• Forget how language works as you write, which is okay, language is stupid.

I usually won't engage with people online unless I am 100% dead sober, but hosting my own private fandom parties from time to time might not be such a bad idea.
pocketseizure: (Mog Toast)
This is what the emotional process of creating a story has become for me: 20% is the exhilarating freedom of writing, 20% is the intellectual challenge of editing, and 60% is the crushing depression of being ignored.

I'm getting fewer notes now than I was when I first started posting fic more than a year ago, and fandom has started to make me feel angry and bitter and lonely. Each time I post a new chapter of my current story it's like facing down the barrel of a gun, and that gun shoots every bad thought I've ever had about myself: You're not good enough, you have no talent, you have no friends, people don't like you, you're just embarrassing yourself, everyone is laughing at you, your writing is shit, your personality is shit, and you can't even pay people to work with you.

BUT ENOUGH OF THAT.

I just edited the outline of "The Legend of the Princess," the Zelda/Ganondorf story I've been working on since April, and I now have 23 chapters planned. I had originally intended the story to be complete at 13 chapters (and 20,000 words), but I took too long writing it and the focus shifted. What I need to do now is crank out about 300 words a day, keep each chapter capped at 1,500 to 2,000 words, and try to post a chapter a week. At the rate of four chapters a month, I should be done in four months, which means that I will have completed my second novel in two years. I mean, sure, this is a FANFIC NOVEL that I will have published ON THE INTERNET but it has a well-defined conflict and a detailed plot and two whole chapters of smut, which is all anyone could ask for really??

Still, it's worth acknowledging that this takes courage. I think it's also worth acknowledging that, once I'm done with this story, I need to figure out a better way to move forward with my writing.
pocketseizure: (Terra Branford)
Some lovely and wonderful person left a comment on one of my Powser fics saying that the bickering between Peach and Bowser reminds her of the dialog on Archer. I was like, What the fuck is Archer. Five hours later, the Netflix app on my PS4 was telling me that prolonged periods of physical inactivity may be accompanied by health risks.

What I've been trying to capture in the Peach/Bowser dynamic is a theme I'm going to call "adults being shitty to one another." I'm not into sexy kidnapping or any sort of Beauty and the Beast redemption nonsense; I'm into the idea that both characters have terrible personalities. Bowser is thoughtlessly obnoxious, Peach is cloyingly passive-aggressive, and they're both extremely narcissistic.

I thought I'd made good progress in how I write the characters, but watching Archer has taught me just how much of a novice I am at adults being shitty to one another. I need to step up my game, and I want to get started by writing flashfic. Here are some scenarios I came up with:

* Peach shits on Bowser for buying ridiculous things
* Bowser taunts Peach for not having children
* Peach cuts Bowser down for complaining about villainy and double standards
* Bowser mocks Peach for being obsessed with beauty products
* Peach gets up in Bowser's business for eating nothing but garbage
* Bowser tries to bully Peach into admitting she has a problem with alcohol
* Peach and Bowser bring on the snark as they speculate about who Mario and Luigi are dating
* Peach and Bowser accuse each other of being an unpopular character in Super Smash Bros
* Peach and Bowser get nasty and jealous about Zelda and Ganondorf
* Bowser gets sloppy drunk and calls Peach
* Peach watches Bridget Jones and calls Bowser

The romance, such as it is, needs to come from the sense that these two garbage people have somehow managed to find an equally garbage partner; and that, underneath their spiteful pettiness, they care about one another because of their flaws, not in spite of them. A lot of shipfic I read tries to normalize characters with difficult personalities through romance, but honestly bros, that sort of thing stopped being interesting to me a long time ago.
pocketseizure: (Mog Toast)
Fuck me, but I'm writing another Peach/Bowser story, and I'm worried that I'm becoming more radical in my constructions of their relationship.

My first multichapter Powser story was like, "Bowser kidnaps Peach, but he has a good reason." My second multichapter Powser story was more, "Peach is kidnapped, but not by Bowser, who is just as confounded by the situation as she is." The current story is shaping up along the lines of, "Peach is in no way kidnapped, but Bowser needs her help to undo several major magical mishaps, which are such that it would be politically inexpedient for Peach to admit she's collaborating with him."

I'm not sure how far I can go in this direction. What comes next? Peach is not kidnapped by Bowser, because she's actually holding him hostage?

(Actually, I would totally read that.)

Meanwhile, if I were to write a story about Bowser abducting and brutalizing Peach before pumping her full of gallons of monster jizz, I would get a hundred kudos overnight.

So I guess what I'm wondering is how to construct a story that engages with the BDSM themes that make the heroine/villain dynamic so compelling, only without all the ridiculous sexist tropes that make me immediately close the browser tab when I encounter them in other people's fic.
pocketseizure: (Default)
I'm structuring the Zelgan fic I'm currently writing like an adventure game, which means that I'm devoting an inordinate amount of attention in the early chapters to setting up clues that will be important to the plot.

In the second chapter, the major clue is a scrap of paper that will later function as a linguistic palimpsest. Basically, instead of Chekov's gun, I'm setting up Chekov's research question. ISN'T THIS EXCITING.

I commissioned one of my favorite artists in the Zelda fandom to do an illustration of the first chapter, and she has been very patient and supportive as I try to describe the background. I don't know whether she's genuinely interested or just curious to see how pedantic I can get, but she has prompted me to write detailed descriptions of the architecture of Hyrule Castle and the plants in its garden. I'm like, LET ME TELL YOU, ABOUT THE PHENOTYPES, OF THE MORNING GLORY, WHICH CAN BE POISONOUS, WHEN,

Honestly bros, writing plot is hard, especially since the only thing I care about is the fucking.
pocketseizure: (Mog Toast)
Almost exactly a year ago, I told myself something along the lines of...

I bet, if I just made time to sit down and do it, I could write a novel.

...and then I did that thing.

During the past twelve months, I wrote a 56,000 word story, a 21,000 word story, and a 19,000 word story, plus nine shorter works that together total about 30,000 words, not to mention an additional sixteen drabbles. I also edited and promoted these stories while editing and promoting my older work. Considering how lazy I am and how slowly I write, that's not bad.

During the past two weeks, I did another set of edits on the three longer stories and finished responding to all of the comments people left, and I think I'm done. In terms of reception, my performance was mediocre. Within my fandom cohort, I'm very close to the bottom of the pile. Although I'd like to think that I'm too much of a Rare Pepe to be appreciated by the unwashed masses, it's probably closer to the truth that my writing just isn't that appealing. Fair enough.

From here on out I'm going to have to return my focus to my professional life. I'm not looking forward to it, and it doesn't make me happy, but it has to be done.

I'm going to try to commission FigmentForms on Tumblr to do an illustration for The Modern History of Zelda as a memento of that one summer I spent playing around with a bunch of cool people on Tumblr while writing a novel. She's read the story, and she is a sweet person who has said nice things about it, but she's also a busy and successful artist, and it would probably be weird for her to accept money from me. Still... It doesn't hurt to dream, right? At least I can be a star in my own delusional mind.
pocketseizure: (Mog Toast)
Still going through old stuff, still finding mistakes.

The Zelgan Big Bang fic has seven obvious typos, about a dozen redundancies, one minor formatting error, and one major formatting error. In my defense, the formatting errors are not my fault. To my chagrin, all the other errors are.

Meanwhile, A Game of Castles must be procedurally generating typos, because I have no idea where they're all coming from. This is the fifth or sixth time I'm editing that fucking story.

I remember reading somewhere that imperfections are like a signature, a proof of individuality and personhood. I get that, but I also suspect there are very few people on this planet who care more about their writing being clean and error-free than I do. Why can't my signature writing style be not having any mistakes whatsoever?
pocketseizure: (Mog Toast)
In January, I edited:

* A Game of Castles, a delusional Peach/Bowser fic
* Ganondorf&!, an even more delusional Ganondorf/Bowser fic
* After the World Was Won, an embarrassingly awful Setzer/Daryl fic
* A Game of Castles, again, because there were still typos
* After the World Was Won, again, and it is still embarrassingly awful
* Bowser and Peach: A Love Story, which made me want to set myself on fire

I don't mean to brag, but when people talk about "bad fanfiction" they are specifically referring to me.

In the future, I will never write anything again.
pocketseizure: (Mog Toast)
When I mentioned "the fic that gets an inordinate number of readers" in an earlier post, I was referring to Bowser and Peach: A Love Story. Because I serialized it at the height of interest in FFN, it got a lot of traffic, and it's currently indexed very high on Google.

This story is my first fic, and I feel bad for the version of myself who wrote it. She was so innocent, and she had no idea what the fuck she was doing. I've since gone back and edited it twice. The first time was to find and correct typos, and the second was to delete every instance of the female lead crying or being unnecessarily stupid.

The story is still a mess, however, and hurts me to look at it. It's like a train wreck, with cargo exploding into flame and passengers and livestock attempting to flee. Do I try to save the people and put out the fire, or do I just let it burn like the magnificent spectacle of failure that it is?

I've been content to avert my eyes in favor of other projects, but this ridiculous story still gets over a hundred hits a day, so it's probably time to roll up my sleeves and wade in.

Meanwhile, I'm still fixing small typos and wooden dialog in A Game of Castles. Despite my general incompetence as a writer and editor, people seem to be reading that story too (atthough it's been more or less ignored on AO3 and Tumblr). According to the statistics gathered by FFN, something like two to three dozen people are reading the entire story every day. This makes me wonder where all these silent readers are coming from. I suppose I'll never know. I'm assuming that a portion of the "readers" are spambots, but that's okay; it would make me happy if the nascent singularity ships Peach and Bowser too.
pocketseizure: (Gator Strut)
I want to experience a sense of freedom and flight.

Nope. I'm not saying that this doesn't happen, but if I wanted to enter a state of flow I would drink and play video games.

I have something to say.

Nope. Even if we weren't all idiot children shrieking into an uncaring void, I still don't think I would have anything meaningful to contribute to the human race.

I don't want to write things, I want to read them.

This is absolutely the case. Every time I start a story it's because there's something I want to read but can't find. That being said, I wish it weren't me who had to write the thing I'm looking for. When I was working on the Zelda novel over the summer, I would read the existing chapters while being like, This is a great story, someone should really finish it.

I am a whore for attention.

Yes, quite. It used to be that concerns over readership didn't enter into my writing, but community was important. I have since given up on community and would like to focus on readership. Oddly enough, the one story I gouged out of myself like a tumor and then never went back to read for pleasure is the one that has managed to attract an inordinate amount of readers. I think that, before I move forward, I need to sit down and edit it. If that's what people know and remember me by, then at very least it should be something that doesn't make me want to crawl into a hole and die of embarrassment.
pocketseizure: (Mog Toast)
I just finished a multichapter fic that I've been serializing over the past month on AO3 and Fanfiction.net (FFN). The story is about a crack pairing in a relatively small fandom, and it's 100% self-indulgent. Still, it's always nice to know that I'm not just talking to myself, and I've been thinking about the differences in readership across the two sites.

In the 35 days since I started posting the fic, it's gotten 220 views on AO3.



To give a comparison, it's gotten 2,491 views on FFN.



As the above sceencaps indicate, the story has gotten more kudos on AO3 than story faves on FFN, but it's gotten more reviews on FFN than comments on AO3. This is primarily because the interface of AO3 facilitates leaving kudos (which is as easy as clicking a button), while the interface of FFN facilitates leaving reviews (which are expected to be short, usually no longer than a sentence). Based on my experience with this story, FFN seems to net more exposure, while AO3 produces more interaction.

What I'm interested in are the anonymous readers. Six of the nine reviews on FFN are from unregistered users, and 20 of the 25 kudos on AO3 are from guests. I suspect this is partially because of the nature of this particular pairing (which people might not want their usernames associated with) and partially because a lot of us read fic on our phones and work computers (meaning that we don't sign in to our accounts).

My hypothesis, however, is that many of these anonymous readers are coming from Tumblr, which is where fandom seems to have converged. I'm therefore wondering if perhaps Tumblr itself is starting to become the preeminent platform for posting fic.

When I showed this data to a friend of mine, she offered the reasonable assessment that AO3 and FFN function primarily as archives, while the main benefit of Tumblr lies in exposure. This is true, of course, but I don't think it's the whole story. The model of fandom I've seen emerging in the past twelve months is skewed toward more of a "media mix," and Tumblr excels in supporting the associated interactions. I will probably write more about this later, but for now I think it's safe to conclude that (a) each platform has its benefits, and (b) Tumblr is not killing fandom but facilitating it.
pocketseizure: (Teh Bowz)
This game is just too much fun. I can only play a few levels every night, though, because I can only maintain the requisite intensity of concentration for so long before I start dying every few seconds.

The pixelated graphics on my huge tv are gorgeous. I want to play more SNES games, but for some reason the stupid Nintendo eShop took down most of them. I especially want to replay Secret of Mana, but it's no longer on the Virtual Console. I've been side-eyeing A Link to the Past, but I keep telling myself NO BITCH DON'T DO IT. I need to finish Wind Waker first, but... there's just so much... sailing.

I finished the Bowser/Peach fic, and I'm currently in the hardcore editing phase. If it weren't staring me right in the face, I might have trouble believing that I wrote a 20,000 word story loosely based on Super Mario World. Meanwhile I've been hearing Super Mario Western Show more or less on permanent loop in my head since I started playing the game.

Some people are afraid that playing too many video games makes people violent, but they're wrong - I am what happens when you play too many video games.

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